I needed a recovery day.
Hello, Happy Sunday and welcome to Blogmas day 3. Today has been a bit of a tricky one for me if I am completely honest. If you saw yesterday’s post you will have seen we had a lovely family day out yesterday in York. We walked round the city and ventured through the Christmas market. Now as fabulous and festive as it was. The day yesterday took a lot more out of me than I think I had realised. I have been living with anxiety and social anxiety for close to ten years now. There have been periods of my life where I couldn't bear the thought of leaving the house, socialising with friends, doing the smallest of tasks like popping to the corner shop was way too much social interaction for me. I couldn't be around people for fear of what people were thinking. Later on this turned into crippling social anxiety. Being in crowded places was my worst nightmare. As I have gotten older I always feel really sad when I reflect back on everything I have missed out on because of what I have been dealing with and how I have been feeling. This past year I have been trying to “force” myself to say yes to things, push myself out of my comfort zone and try my very hardest to stop missing out on so many amazing life experiences. Now I don't know if anyone feels the same as me when I say that there are days when I feel like I can push myself out of my comfort zone and try and conquer the day ahead and there are days when I feel too fragile and it will end up causing me more harm than good. Does anyone else feel the same?
Yesterday was a day where I felt confident that I was going to be able to conquer the day. I was going to be able to take on whatever York threw at me. I was surrounded by my incredible family who I am so beyond lucky to have by my side to help when things just get a little too much and I did just that. There were moments when things were getting a little too much and my emotions got the better of me but in general I was incredibly proud of myself yesterday for conquering something as crowded as York Market that I wouldn't have even contemplated on other days. So all of this is to say make sure you celebrate the wins. No matter the size. You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. Make sure you take a step back to appreciate that and tell yourself how proud you are of everything you are doing!
Today however I feel like I have been paying for all of my small little victories. They have come at a bit of a price. I have felt exhausted today, my body aches from all of the tension that was running through my body yesterday. I just feel really out of it. I have been incredibly anxious this afternoon and I have just felt like crying. It can all feel so incredibly confusing sometimes and it is so frustrating to try and wrap your head round what is going on. But it is all ok. Everything needs to happen one step at a time, one day at a time. Today's feelings and emotions are just the downside of yesterday's victories but that doesn’t make them any less important. Today has been a day of rest. That is what sundays are for anyway though am I right?
I thought I would end today’s little journal entry by sharing all of the positive wins from yesterday. Some may resonate with you and maybe you could reflect on some of your recent wins with me too?
I got on a VERY busy train and felt relatively calm. (Public Transport is a big cause of stress and anxiety for me)
I went to lots of unknown areas of York and went into a coffee shop I had never seen before. (Lots of unknowns, no familiarities which always makes me anxious. I am a creature of habit. I like to go to place I know and have been to many times before)
We purchased multiple snacks throughout the day and ate them in the streets of York which sounds perfect but I massively struggle with eating in public. (the fact that I ate multiple different things whilst being out and about is huge for me and I am very proud of that).
The main one has to be the way I “tried” to remain calm amongst the crowds. On multiple occasions it would have been very easy to leave, go somewhere else or even ask to go home but powering through helped me overcome it just that little bit more yesterday and I am so incredibly proud of that.
And the final one may seem a little strange to anyone who doesn’t feel similar to me like I said earlier. I like familiarity. I like to do the same thing over and over. I find comfort in repetition and in knowing what is next and the same goes for films and series that I like to watch. Does anyone else have three or four films or shows you just have on repeat. I VERY rarely/ almost never watch anything new but last night we ended such a fabulous family day with a family film night and I sat and watched a brand new film the whole way through I might add with everyone. On top of the say i had had yesterday that was just like the cherry on top.
So there is my slightly longer than intended list of wins from yesterday. I will say though that helped me to write them down, helped me reflect on what I accomplished. I would recommend it next time you are feeling a little down or you are being a little too hard on yourself. Write down all of the wins you have had recently no matter the size.
I think I will leave this post here tonight and I will see you tomorrow for Blogmas day 4.
Bye ❤️